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I said "my life sucks" because things are at a standstill right now and I'm really tired of not having anyone to love. I've been waiting a really long time and I really feel it's time for someone to come along. I'm not going to be searching for anyone because that never works out. But I have put some energy out there asking if anyone's interested. I made a vine saying exactly that.

I did start talking to one new person today. His name is Mike and he lives in Texas. But I can't really put any kind of hopes towards him wanting to go that route with me. I am just going to work on being a friend, getting to know him and being open and honest and hope to make a dear friend. And I will just bide my time and see if he ever gives any kind of indication that he may be interested in me in that way. That's all I really can do.

Other than that I'm in a holding pattern In regards to my masters degree because I've missed the deadline to apply for this year. so I have to wait a whole year before I can apply and even if I am accepted, I won't get to start until the following fall. When you have no goals that you can actively move towards, and you don't feel like you have any kind of life goals right now, your life sucks.

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Team Tardis on GISHWHES!

I'm doing GISHWHES! An amazing global scavenger hunt hosted by Misha Collins. Join me! https://t.co/6kRyQA6Wwn JOIN TEAM TARDIS! Please! It will be SO MUCH FUN! You know you want to be wild and crazy and take pictures of it all while doing awesome random acts of kindness. You KNOW you do! Please join in on the silliness and happiness with me? If you register, use mamagaea@gmail.com for a referral for me. It's gonna be AWESOME!

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Going Home

Haven't lived in Vancouver in 14 years. Can you really ever go home? Where is home anymore? I noticed a theme popped up in the movies I've watched over the last couple days. Hesher - a story about grieving the loss of loved ones. Garden State - a story about a guy going home after 9 years grieving the loss of his mother and trying to put his life back together. Gross Pointe Blank - a guy goes home after 10 years and tries to reconcile his past.

Do you think someone is trying to show me something?

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Dreams - Tatu "single threefold person"

Had some very heavy duty dreams last night.  I probably should have written them down when I got woken up at 8 am by an Amber Alert on my phone, but I was too grumpy that I got woken up and just wanted to go back to sleep.

The biggest thing that I took away was being told about Tatu, the Serpent.  It was a serpent something, but don't know exactly what the something was.  I'm assuming a Spirit body of some kind, so I'm just going with serpent.  I looked up what Tatu could mean, and found it in a Swahili-English dictionary.  Tatu means three.  A Tatu means third.  Mtatu means "a single threefold person".  I'm wondering if perhaps I was introduced to a version of the three-fold Goddess? 

I never actually saw Tatu the serpent.  But was told about it.  The majority of the dream involved me meeting up with a child who was in charge of everything down below.  Making parts in black and white and other parts in color.  It was an Indian boy and the last time I had met him, he was a girl.  He brought me to a room where we saw hundreds of thousands of people swarming the pyramids like red ants, all being overcome by some kind of epidemic.  He was showing me how it all had to happen for the new beginning to come about.

It's so hard for me to realize I am part of something so much larger when I can't even be happy where I am now?

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No haters, please

We've had all of these tragedies in the last few days, and I don't feel anything at all.  All that goes through my head is these things had to happen to make changes in the world that needed to happen.  What those changes are, I can't say.  But they had to happen nonetheless.  If these tragedies effected you, then there was something in you that needed changing.  So take that to heart.

Craziness

I feel like I'm going crazy right now. I know it's hormones and period shit, but the feelings it all brings up are far too real and painful. All of this feels like I have no safety, no security and my heart is so open right now it is scared shitless of being crushed. Just being out in the world makes me have panic attacks and the need for chocolate is rising. There is no one in my life I can rely on to hold me and comfort me and tell me everything is going to be all right. I only have myself for that, as I have had for the last 11 years. I want that to be over. I want to have that person I can call and cry to. I want to have that person I can turn to when I have bad dreams that make me sob and cry out when I wake up. I want to have that person that will tell me that they love me and will always be there for me, even if I don't think I need them. I need that safety net and I don't have that right now.

So I'll eat the chocolate. I'll cry in my pillow. I'll hug my cat. And I'll hope and pray that the hormones will calm down soon and the anxiety and depression will lift so I can push all my fears to the back of my mind once again.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Fighting for what is important

I dreamt of Brad Pitt last night.  This is a really long dream sequence, so bear with me.

It started with me being close friends with Brad and Angelina and their kids.  I was at their mansion lounging with them in their bedroom with all of the kids.  It was a lovely morning.  Later on, we were attending a lavish outdoor party.  There were children there of varying ages, and they were causing problems at the high society gathering.  A very fancy cake got ruined by making the baker fall down while transferring to the table.  I was standing with Brad.  He was commenting that it didn't seem like this was the type of party that should have children.  I agreed.  That was when it was "revealed" in my dream that we were attending a party thrown by the Mayor of Portland.  In Portland, they tend to include children at most events.  But it also made me realize he didn't really know Portland that well.  So, I offered to take him out and show him around.

We were next in a coffee shop sitting at the counter.  We were talking about where I wanted to take him.  I definitely mentioned Powell's and for dancing I mentioned the Gay bars.  He LOVES gay bars, so we decided to do that.  He went off to the restroom and I noticed a group of gay men at a table nearby.  I asked them, "I like Embers, but where do you think the best gay bar in Portland is?"  They looked amongst themselves and said there was a club called Port 74 over at 54th and 15th, but it's really difficult to get into.  That's when Brad came out dressed in very gay attire with a wig and mustache saying, "Let's go!"  Ok!  We all left to go to the club.

When we got there, Brad and the group went towards the front of the bar.  I had to go back to the bus drop off something and make sure our stuff was secure. (We had rented a school bus to transport everyone.)  When I got back there, some women had entered the bus and was starting to loot our stuff!  I jumped in and started yelling at them to get out!  There wasn't any room for me to get back to where they were.  I lunged at them, and they lit a rope on fire and jumped out the back.  I had to grab something to swat at the flames to try to extinguish them before they spread.  Thankfully, I was successful.  I jumped back off the bus and the group of club whores was still there.  I attacked!  In a frenzy, I grabbed one of them lifting her over my head and slammed her head to the ground on a rock, over and over again until she was unconscious.  Then I grabbed another and slammed her head into the side of the bus, over and over again until she was no longer moving either.  The rest of the group ran off.

While I was leaning against the side of the bus, exhausted, George showed up.  His entire upper body had been carved up.  And not in the normal way.  Someone had written all over his upper chest and back in words, lines and symbols, and then carved it all out.  I was aghast.  He and Robin apparently were living in an apartment building downtown and something was going on with some kind of hispanic gang.  When they stood up and fought back, reporting them for something, this is how the gang took retaliation.  Robin showed up too, with the writing all over her upper body, just not carved out yet.  I don't know exactly why George was there, but he didn't want me to do anything for revenge.  He was taking it and that was it.  The gang leader showed up then with a very large carving knife with a forked end.  He said something, though I don't know what.  Something about this is what happens when you mess with them.  And he started carving into George's back again.  I was crying and sobbing over what was happening, because there wasn't anything I could do.  I staggered off in horror and disbelief.

Exhausted, I walked over to the club entrance, which by the way was not in a good part of town and was frequented by a lot of hispanics, I noticed.  The two white bouncers looked at me and rolled their eyes, like they were ever going to let me in.  I was wearing a tshirt at that time.  I said, "Hi.  I came with Brad Pitt."  They looked at me like I was crazy. "Ok, I guess he didn't use his real name.  Could you go look for me?"  I looked like crap, of course.  But then I heard someone speaking over loudspeakers, saying that anyone who didn't match their specific standards needed to leave now.  I don't remember what those standards were, but they were being super snooty about it.  When people started filing out, a lot were wearing disco tops, large hats, huge feathers, and were just all around happy people.  Apparently, they didn't care they were being kicked out.  They were just having a grand old time, anyway.  So, snooty rich  privileged people "0", awesome every day people "1".  Brad wasn't in the crowd that came out.

It was later on in the dream (don't remember what part as it is now later on the day and my memory has faded), that Brad showed back up again.  He came up behind me and started apologizing for what happened that night.  He had NO IDEA what had happened outside of the club and what others, me in particular, had done for him.  I yelled at him right then.  "DO YOU KNOW WHAT WAS DONE FOR YOU THAT NIGHT???  Someone is DEAD NOW because of you!  I KILLED SOMEONE FOR YOU!!!"  He was absolutely clueless.  He has his precious world with his precious kids and Angelina and two gorgeous tall thin brown haired model twins for nannies.  He has lost what it's like for the rest of the populace.

We fight so hard for what we have and we are willing to protect what we have and what our friends and family have, but so often what we do is overlooked as not important, especially by those in the upper echelon..  That is what makes me upset in this world.  Money gets you nothing.  It detaches you from your soul.  And then there are those who will kill for those who have money for the miniscule belief that their money will trickle down to the rest of us.  That is a bald-faced lie.

I can tell you why I killed those women (or maimed as the case may be).  Because they stole from me and mine, and had complete disregard for anything or anyone who wasn't part of their tribe.  That unleashed the beast in me.  In dream state, the beast is free to release and exact retribution to the extent that it will never happen again.  It is something I wish I could do in real life, but cannot.  There are so many injustices in the world, it's the only place you can release.  Most of the night's dreams were upsetting to that extent.  I just want to scream to the entire RICH population CARE, DAMN YOU!!! CARE ABOUT ALL OF THOSE LESS FORTUNATE THAN YOU!!!  CARE THAT THEY WILL FIGHT AND DIE FOR YOU!!!  CARE AND LIVE YOUR LIVES IN A WAY THAT FUCKING MEANS SOMETHING!!!  LIVE MODESTLY!  GIVE GENEROUSLY!  LOVE FREELY!  BE ONE WITH ALL OF YOUR FELLOW MEN!  FIGHT FOR THEM, TOO!!

I felt so helpless that I couldn't do anything for George or Robin.  I wanted to destroy all of the evilness in the world so they wouldn't suffer like that.  But I couldn't do it alone.

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Ahhhh, relationships...

If only some people could see what other people see and wouldn't cling so tightly to things that are so detrimental to their Spirit and Divine Path.  I know someone who is dating a guy who does tons of stuff that she doesn't like, but she is so clinging to what she hopes things will be that she doesn't see reality.  She's willing to put herself through so much pain and anguish just to keep a man.  He doesn't like having sex with her and hasn't for months and months.  He plays around with other men even though she doesn't like sharing.  She reluctantly agreed to allow him to sleep with another woman even though it tears her up inside and she has admitted that she feels like she is being replaced.  Ever since I've known her she wanted to marry him and have kids with him, but he finally told her that he doesn't want to marry her and doesn't want to have kids.  I scream in my head over and over for her to WAKE UP!  She loves him.  I get that.  But it is one of the most unhealthy relationships I have ever seen.  He is totally taking advantage of her love by allowing her to cook and clean for him.  She complains that he needs to grow up.  Has she ever set any kind of boundaries at all by doing all of his housework and cooking for him?  Does she think he will ever grow up if she enables him so much to be irresponsible?  She talks so much of teamwork and that they need to work together as a team.  What team?  A team of "Hey, I'll go sleep around with other people and you can take care of all of my domestic needs and that is a great team!"

I will never understand why she is still in this relationship.  She is not only holding back his development, she is doing herself the greatest disservice by staying with this person.  All of her base relationship needs and desires will never be met by this man.  I pray every single day that she will wake up and realize that she needs someone else who will actually want her for all that she is and love her and protect her and truly be that twin flame she so desires that won't want to be with anyone else.

I mean, seriously.  He has told me that ever since the first time they had sex it has never felt right.  And that after all this time together, he has "gotten used to her".  OMFG!  Gotten used to her?!  And it never felt right?!  Yet he still allowed her to stay and take care of him?  And she actually wants to fucking stay with him?  It is so enraging to me!  If I found that out, I would walk away right then and there!  And she actually does know about the "never felt right" part, and she still stayed!

I really do see myself in her all over the place.  Back 11 years ago when I first left George, I acted the same way to a degree.  But always at some point I would come to my senses and kick the guy to the curb instead of allowing him to hurt me any longer.  I've had my heart broken many times that way.  But she's been clinging to this relationship for 7 years now.  Am I really supposed to be the one to kick both of their butts 50 feet in the sky to make them realize what they are doing to each other?  It really feels like it.

Yes, I am the one that was given permission to sleep with the guy.  But I came to the point where I couldn't handle their issues any longer and I told them I was backing away until they got their issues resolved.  The main problem though is that she doesn't see that she deserves FAR MORE than what he can ever provide.  She should have someone who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated.  As a Princess, a Goddess, the Love of his Life.  And for crying out loud, he didn't even admit he had any love for her at all until I came along.  I had to talk it out of him.  He's not in love with her, but at least he admitted that he does carry love for her.  But honestly, that is not enough in a relationship.  A successful relationship needs to have compassionate love, passionate love, and companionate love.  All he has for her is companionate love and nothing more.  You can't have the kind of relationship she needs with just that.  Not when she has such passionate love for him.

She needs to find someone who will want to be in a monogamous relationship with her.  If you are monogamous at your core being, and that is what you need to truly thrive in a relationship, being with a polyamorous guy will NEVER work out.  It kills your soul.  And no one deserves that.  Please, please wake up and take responsibility for your Heart.  Please realize that you deserve more.  Please stand up for yourself and your desires.  It truly is the only way.

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